The most important thing in a romantic entanglement can be summed up in one sentence. And that sentence is this: The one that cares the least controls the relationship.
In my illustrious career, I’ve been in some relationships where I cared far more than the other person, fewer relationships where I cared less and one glorious romance where my partner and I cared equally and were even in all facets for many years. The quote was given to me by a woman who was in a relationship. She cared far less than her partner.
It’s a great thing to take that sweet ride down Lover’s Lane after you meet somebody you have physical and mental chemistry with. But when you arrive at the final destination—and you care more than your partner—there is sure to be a constant uncertainty in your heart and mind caused by your over-caring and there most likely will be heartache for you at the end of the journey.
The concept of “caring less” is defined as the Principle of Least Interest. It was introduced in a 1938 book The Family: A Dynamic Interpretation. The author, Willard Waller, found that power in a romantic couple is almost never equally distributed between the partners. One partner is receiving more than the other from the relationship. The partner receiving less is not as invested and can walk away easier.
What to do if you’re in a relationship and you care more?? I don’t have the exact answer to that important question. Do you? I’m open to suggestions.
A Related Quote
Nikki Giovanni is a poet and teacher in Virigina. She grew up in Cincinnati with the Isley Brothers. She wrote the history of the Isley Brothers. As much as I liked reading about the Brothers Isley, Nikki is best known to me for this quote: Most of us love out of our need to love and not because we found someone deserving. If you see yourself in Nikki’s quote, join the club.
The New Rules of Dating
Part One of How To Be Old has a section on the New Rules of Dating. A friend of mine was on the dating app Bumble. Bumble is like Match.com except the woman has to make the first overture. My friend started corresponding with a female. They arranged to meet at a bar/restaurant in the North Hills. They met and sat at a table. There was no server. My friend told his Bumble date he would go to the bar and get two glasses of wine.
As he returned to the table, his date’s back was to him. He could look over her shoulder. She was on her phone AND ON THE DATING APP THEY JUST MET ON. Had she made her decision not to interact with him that quickly? Was she addicted to dating sites? Who knows? I do realize there is an addictive aspect to Bumble, Match.com, Tinder, Grinder, POF and other sites I have never heard of.
But the New Rules of Dating state that if you meet somebody in person who you first met online, don’t go swiping on dating sites ten minutes after meeting them.
